Got Low-Fat Milk?
For the past hour or so my stomach has been unsettled, a thick, queasy, Pepto-Bismol kind of unsettled. No, I haven’t received any threatening or harassing emails lately. No, I’m not anxious about an upcoming job interview. No, I’m not going to be sequestered in a locked house for a month with the likes of smelly Kimmie and finger-waving Alicia, The Guidos tag team, the insufferable Wil and pathetic Tara, and the buxom Sarah.
Instead, I made the fateful decision of making an Instant Breakfast drink with whole milk.
I was hungry, as I usually am right before bed. And I wanted something cold or cool. I could have easily succumbed to scarfing down an ice cream sandwich or a half pint of Cherry Garcia, but I was pursuing a healthier route. After opening the refrigerator, I discovered that it was in fact barren of grapes and other cold refreshing fruit. Bananas we had, but they make me thirsty and aren’t kept in the ice box anyway, so they were out. I sometimes get sick of sodas and juice, and I definitely didn’t want a Gatorade right before bedtime. A frozen Popsicle, while non-fattening, contained too much sugar to process to warrant its use as a nighttime snack. An Instant Breakfast would satisfy both my thirst and my hunger, and qualify as a healthy snack, despite some empty calories.
I ripped open the pouch and spilled it into my awaiting Tupperware cup, the one with the lid so I could shake my drink instead of stirring it, because there’s not many things more jarring than the enjoyment of a smooth drink interrupted by occasional clumps of unmixed… well.. mix. I reached for the gallon milk jug in the door of the fridge. No 1% left. Suddenly, I felt the same desperation as the poor buffoon whose mouth was glued together with a chocolate cupcake on the infamous TV commercial and who had informed the radio announcer that the answer to the $10,000 trivia contest was, in fact, “Awwwinh Buhwr!”
I had no choice but to use whole milk instead. Even the bubbles made after shaking the concoction were thicker. I tried to imagine that it was a gourmet shake, only the finest creams, sugars and natural flavorings craftily blended together in a creamy, fluffy desert. No such luck. I couldn’t even finish it, and I am the first person to admit that I do not like to waste food. I can still feel it sitting there, laying in wait at the bottom of my stomach, waiting for me to go to bed so that it can have the opportunity to mess with my intestines.
An important lesson learned: Next time, I think I’ll stick with the Ben & Jerry’s.
