Will Those Auctioneers Ever Quit?
More insanity from the minds of eBay auctioneers:
BLACK LEG WARMERS W/PINK STARS PUNK GOTH RAVE
I’m starting these kinda high, because they are really cool, it took me while to sew, and I sewed through my finger making them. (right through the nail and out the other side OUCH!) But don’t worry i took the star off the I got blood on and changed my needle right after I did it. These are black (of course) with 6 pink stars sewn on each one. They are 20 1/2″ long and have a 21″ opening on the bottom. If you have any questions please e-mail me. S&H is $2. I must recieve payment within 10 days of auction end. I accept cash, money orders and cashiers check. Check out my other auctions. Thanks!
The leg warmers are advertised to punks and goths, yet the auctioneer left out the very obvious bid-enhancing potential of “Satanic body-piercing ritual performed during the creation of this outdoor foul-weather gear. Perfect for wearing during midnight sacrifices by the light of the full moon. Annointed with the blood of a vestal virgin.”
FREE-THINKING GUINEA-PIG MANIFESTO
(selling a booklet titled “The Complete Book on Taming and Training Your Guinea Pig”)
When I first saw the cover of this book, I - like many an animal rights activist - was completely appalled and offended. I mean, what kind of society would sell a bicycle to a guinea-pig without a kickstand? Forcing the little rodent to lay his bike down at every destination or prop it up with his own body for photographs, getting chain grease all over his fur. But then, as I contemplated the picture further, I felt a surge of pride, realizing that our little friend the Guinea Pig has come a long way - From the days when he was the favorite snack-food of the Incas, thousands of years ago in Peru, to the modern, fully-integrated, bicycle-owning member of society you see plying the sidewalks of our towns today. Our modern guinea-pig has learned a lot. In fact if you look closely, you can see that this guinea-pig is handing a “cease and desist” order to the gardener who is trying to trim his ivy. Yes, guinea-pigs have rights just like everyone else. But not everywhere. In the Andes mountains of Peru, the locals still raise guinea-pigs for food… Last time I was in Peru I was feeling adventurous and actually ordered roast guinea-pig in an Andean restaurant. Now, I know what the Animal-Rights activists are saying right now as they read this. They’re saying, “Listen buddy, what does guinea-pig taste like?” Well, I’ll tell you. It tastes a lot like llama. But seriously, I realize what is appropriate and even expected in one country does not carry over to another. So here in America, I now keep a guinea-pig as a pet. I’ve even had him neutered, so that he will not reproduce irresponsibly as guinea-pigs will, flooding the country with millions of his appetizing offspring , which would of course draw the Andeans here by the busload. But now my guinea pig, Bill, is a happy, well-adjusted pet, and I owe it all to this book. See, what most people don’t know, is that this text was not written by people at all but by an underground sect of free-thinking guinea-pigs, using human pen-names, (Vicki Lasell’s real name is “Princess Cinn-A-Bon”), so that their doctrine of self-actualization can be passed on to thousands of other pet guinea-pigs by their owners who think they are training them. It’s true. I have a friend named Jeff who wanted nothing more elaborate than to teach his guinea-pig, Roscoe, how to sit up and beg. So he used this book and now, inexplicably, Roscoe has taken up the sport of roller hockey and is teaching all his other guinea-pig friends how to play roller hockey and they’ve even formed their own team team called the “Chiclets” (named after the sponser that supplies their pucks), and according to Jeff, they play an “utterly insane version of rollerball” in the empty bathtub every night at eleven. I myself, by following the principles laid out in this book, I was able to teach my Bill tae-kwan-do, so that he can defend himself against any Peruvians he might meet at the supermarket when he does my shopping, or at the post-office when he’s mailing my eBay packages. I’ve also taught him to play mah-jong, speak French, and disassemble and rebuild a Penn fishing reel in three minutes flat. Payment should be received 10 days after I notify you of your auction win. I will accept money orders, cashiers checks, or personal checks (may hold till cleared, based on feedback rating). Credit cards are accepted through PayPal. Buyer to pay First-Class (2-3 days) shipping of $2.00 or trade for tiny bicycle with working kickstand. Good luck in bidding.
Boy, that guy should be in marketing! His auctioned booklet eventually went for $24.39, despite the prominent labeling on the cover of its price at a recent garage sale: $0.10. Interesting to note that the second place bidder, outbid in the last hour and a half of frenzied eBay bidding, was none other than “mr.guineapig”. I sense an upcoming revolution, a significant change in the food chain, a new world order…
EMPTY VICOPROFEN BOTTLE #100 (LIKE VICODIN)!
TO BIDDER: THIS BOTTLE CONTAINS NO MEDICATION, (i.e. pills, capsules, caplets, tablets, etc) The package insert is attached. The bottle is in excellent condition. There is NO medicine in this bottle. This is a novelty item. Great for collectors of pharmacy memorable. Due to the controversy of this medicine these EMPTY bottles could become valuable if the FDA pulls the medicine. TO BIDDER: YOU MAY NOT RESELL THIS BOTTLE WITH MEDICATION! CONTAINS ABSOLUTELY NO MEDICATION! DON’T ASK ME FOR MEDICATION, I WILL IGNORE YOU! JUST GET A PRESCRIPTION FROM YOUR DOCTOR! Disclaimer: This bottle is only for novelty use, you; or anyone else may not sell this bottle with medication. Doing so is violating the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) rules and regulations and you will be arrested. I only prefer PAYAPL, but other payment arrangements can be made. If absolutely necessary.
So what are you saying?! The medication is included with the auction, right?
VINTAGE HEART SHAPE ENEMA WATER BOTTLE
This is a unique water or enema bottle in the shape of a heart. Made of heavy rubber material with grooves on both sides in center… Around the edges of heart shape it is smooth. The top has white stopper that screws into a metal piece. There is no brand name on this anywhere… I believe it is from the 40’s era or somewhere near there… The enema bottle, water bottle measures 7 1/2″ tall and 6 1/4″ wide. It is in EXCELLENT CONDITION. Winning bidder pays 3.85 shipping. Thanks. Any questions please write tinagob@aol.com. Most things I sell are antique and will show some signs of age, I don’t sell on approval. My flake may be a chip to you, my minor wear may be scratches to you, I will not accept a return based on normal signs of age, or color variations, nor accept a return if you did not ask any questions before bidding. Any returns, must have a very solid reason.
Nothing says “I love you” like a heart-shaped enema bottle…
