Rave and Rant…
Unfortunately, I’ve spent far too much time in the Rave and Rant section on Craig’s List lately, but in my wanderings I’ve found some priceless stuff. These are all from the Manhattan area, which explains a lot:
- To the Guy a Few Cubicles Over: I am not interested in you. I will never be interested in you. You come up to my cubicle ten times a day asking for toner or tape, I tell you as politely as I can that I’ll look for it in the hopes that you will accept my answer and soon go away, yet you proceed to stand there after I’ve turned around to continue my work. Why do you do this? This only serves to make me uncomfortable, make you look like an ášš and further confirm my previous statement that I will never be interested in you. I’d like to further add that staring at someone for five minutes before actual words come out of your mouth will not will someone to like you and only makes you look like a dumbass. You follow me to the kitchen. You follow me to the elevator, and you’d probably follow me to the ladies room if it didn’t have a dámn lock on it. You’re creepy.
- Dear Men: Saying “I love you” does not forgive months of bad behavior. Love, Women
- To the panty sniffer/thief: The thought of someone stealing my panties makes me sick. I hope you get caught. I will never leave my gym clothes in my office overnight from now on!!
- I seem to have misplaced my libido. I think it’s in my townhouse somewhere, but I can’t find it! Can you help?
- Hmmm? What should I have for a snack today? I think I’ll have a bag of salted fancy cashews and a diet Dr. Pepper. Mmm! I can’t wait!
- How Much For A Feeding Tube?? Feeding tubes seem to be all the rage these days… even the Pope has one now. How much do they cost and where can I get one? I’m not really into solid food…. cooking is a pain in the ášš, and restaurants are expensive. I’d rather just have a feeding tube hooked up to my body and then I’d never have to worry about eating ever again. All I ask is that no one remove my feeding tube without my expressed written consent.
- I have more money than I’ll EVER be able to spend. And I haven’t had to work a single day in my life! I inherited every penny of it. People say that money can’t buy you happiness. Perhaps. But it CAN buy you a home in Pacific Heights, a loft in Manhattan, and other assorted properties throughout the world. It can buy you a collection of cars, send your children to proper boarding schools, and allow you to live a life of leisure unencumbered by the trivial concerns of average people. All in all, I’d say it’s bought me happiness. Now get back to work, losers!
