A Gynecologist, a Professor, and a Dog…
It’s been a while since I’ve posted some off-color jokes…
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. “Just where the heck do you think you’re going!”, said the man. “I’m going to Las Vegas”, said his wife. “I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!” The man exclaimed, “Wait a minute!”, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. “Where the heck are you going?”, said the wife. The man said, “I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!”
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. “We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably. “I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.” “Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?” As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.” “Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.” Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” “You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.” As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” “Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: “Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband” When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband. You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.” “Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties”, so she used a nearby flower wreath. The morning afterward, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other: “We have to be on the look out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties.” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you.”
