Two Dozen Witticisms to Ponder
- The biggest problem in America today is stupidity. Why not just take the safety labels off of everything, and let the problem solve itself?
- Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
- My God carries a hammer. Your God died nailed to a post. Any questions?
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hëll did the ceiling go?!”
- When told “Anything you say will be held against you”, say “Cameron Diaz”.
- Hacking is like sex: You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn’t leave something behind that can be traced back to you.
- Once upon a midnight dreary, while I prøn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ‘hot xxx galore’. When I clicked my favorite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour. “‘Tis not possible!”, I muttered, “Give me back my free hardcore!” Quoth the server, 404.
- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I was halfway through my fish sandwich and I realized, “Oh my God! I could be eating a slow learner!”
- Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Life is about ášš. You’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, or trying to get a piece of it.
- Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT31 = DEC25.
- As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, “Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients”, but the another kept reminding me, “Mike, you’re a veterinarian!”
- Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs, and telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.”
- Unix is much sexier than Windows: date; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount; gasp; yes;
- The thing I love most about deadlines is the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn’t have been notified anyway.
- I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- One of the mysteries of human conduct is why people sign documents they do not read at the behest of salesmen they do not know, binding them to pay for stuff they do not need with money which they do not have.
- The bishop came to our church last Sunday. He was an imposter; not once did he move diagonally.
- Failure is not an option; it comes bundled for free with Microsoft Windows.
- Last night I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”, so I ordered French Toast and bacon during the Renaissance.
- There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use them in that order.
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This rambling was posted on September 4, 2008
and filed under Uncategorized
