The Montana Testicle Festival…
In an effort to enhance my list of life goals, I spent at least two hours last night searching the Internet for other people’s to-do lists, worldwide travel guides, and the like. During my travels, I stumbled upon a list of 100 Things to do Before You Die. Perfect!
So I started adding things to my list; the Nevada Burning Man Project, the Dia de los Muertos Festival in Mexico, the Cannes Film Festival, the Montana Testicle Festival, the International Dragon Boat Championships in China…
Wait a minute! The Montana Testicle Festival? What the hëll is that?!
Naturally, I visited their website. Well, of course, there’s the obvious: 4,500 pounds of carefully prepared, beer-marinated, secret-recipe-breaded, deep-fried bull testicles. There’s also live music, body painting, and a horseshoe tournament.
Then it gets decidedly atypical:
bûllšhìt bingo — participants buy squares on a huge grid. In whichever square a large bull takes a dump, the person that bought it wins.- a wet T-shirt contest and a hairy chest contest — not exactly weird, but it’s certainly getting less family oriented.
- co-ed naked pool — sounds like the billiards type of pool, not a swimming pool.
- Bite the Ball Motorcycle Ride — motorcycle riders and their passengers attempt to bite into a hanging bull testicle while riding by.
OK, not exactly my cup of tea (except perhaps for the wet T-shirt contest), but since I try to maintain an open mind about everything, I decided to keep looking at their site.
The online photo album was the final clincher. I don’t mind a bit of public nudity (as long as it’s someone else’s, not my own, and preferably female), but I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating a plateful of deep-fried bull testicles in the shadow of a stage that reads “Show Me Your Nuts”, surrounded by flaccid, overweight, middle-aged bikers with hairy chests showing off their own smaller versions of the plate de jour.
I just hope it’s not spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight.
