Funny Thoughts to Live By

Some random thoughts on life you’ve heard before, and maybe some you haven’t:

  • There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
  • There are only 10 kinds of people; people who grok binary and people who don’t.
  • No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be run away from.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
  • You know it must be Spring when you’re breathing in short pants.

Photo © / Simon Ushakov

And pants don’t get much shorter than these!

  • The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
  • Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Always yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  • Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Those who try to do something and fail are better off than those who try to do nothing and succeed.
  • There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don’t tell people everything you know.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.
  • Always remember that you’re unique — just like everyone else.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.