Is I really hard playing rock?
OK, this isn’t normally to my taste, but I admit I laughed long and “hard” at this topic I found posted on the Indiana University Computer Science website. It stems from a question posted to the Usenet Oracle sometime back in 1990.
“Is I really hard playing rock?”
“Dear Sir or Madam:
The question you have submitted requires extra time to parse due to improper grammatical structure. Please bear with us a few moments, and the Oracle will address your question as soon as possible.
…
O.K., I’m done. My parser routine has come up with four possible interpretations of your question:
- Is it really hard playing rock ‘n’ roll music?
- Am I a really hard rock who likes to play?
- Am I really hard when I play with my rocks?
- Am I really hard when I play rock ‘n’ roll music?
The responses, in order, are:
1. In the words of my hero, Bob Geldof, “Maybe get a blister on your little finger, maybe get a blister on your thumb.”
2. A simple test. Play with a friend by getting him to throw you into the water. If you sink to the bottom forever without drowning, you’re a hard rock who likes to play.
3. A simple test. In the privacy of your own room, stroke, lick, or otherwise play with your testicles while using sexual aids to assist you (K-Y, whips, pictures of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona Helmsley). If you can break the headboard of your bed with your pënìš, then you’re really hard when you play with your rocks.
4. A simple test. In the privacy of your own room, bang your skull against a wall while using sexual aids to assist you (Ozzy Osbourne, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, etcetera, and a cassette player, phonograph, or CD player). If you can break the headboard of your bed with your pënìš, then you’re really hard when you play rock ‘n’ roll music.
You owe the Oracle a rock and a hard place. Or at least a rock and a place to get hard. Or a place to get hard playing rock music. Or a place where they play hard rock. Hëll, give me all of the above; you biffed your own question, not me.”
For the REAL answer to the question…