How Does YOUR Garden Grow?
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” He responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she stood naked in her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen passed by and asked the woman, “How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No!” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous!”
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ášš. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can only think of one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What is your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ášš. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked brunette. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing.” The last day comes, and the chief says, “This is your last wish, white man. What you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, dámn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
On a side note, do you know how frustratingly difficult it is to get a nice, wholesome, artistic picture of a nude lady riding a horse on the Internet? There are FAR too many frightening images of horribly perverted women doing really disgusting things to animals out there. Where on Earth do they find these freaks of nature, and what possesses them to generate photographic evidence of their sickening actions, let alone put them online?! Yuck!
And do YOU know how frustratingly difficult it is to read a blog at work when it pops up with pictures of a nude lady riding a horse, even nice, wholesome ones? I must say I am shocked, shocked! to hear you’ve been searching the web for pictures of nekkid wimmin.
That’s why you sit FACING the door of your office! That way, no one can see anything while you’re playing Empire Earth at work! And, of course I had to search the Internet for nekkidness; what are the odds of me with my camera out and ready to find a naked woman riding a horse in my backyard? Slim, methinks! - RDL
I would, if the desk went that way. Alas, the configuration doesn’t allow for it. As for the woman riding a horse in your back yard, I could arrange that.
OK, I’ll take Angelina Jolie, Keira Knightley, Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman, Christina Ricci, Jennifer Garner, or Salma Hayek. You choose. - RDL
Don’t you know that your wife reads your blogs? Joke or not, your wife doesn’t like the reference about ANY naked women on horseback in your backyard or within any proximity of you at all. Your wife would feel and does feel very inferior to any of the women you listed. Thanks for the confidence boost.
Yes, I know she reads them. She is well aware that my ramblings are often silly, immature, and pedantic — by definition, guy humor — and, in this case, an obvious response to the tongue-in-cheek “shocking” revelation that I had to search extensively for the subject-matching picture online. I can safely say that there have never been nor will there ever be naked women on horseback in our backyard or within any proximity of me at any time, my wife excepted. Also, my wife shouldn’t feel inferior to any of these women, especially after it has been revealed that the above-mentioned aren’t real women at all but are merely computer-generated images created by a partnership of DreamWorks SKG and Pixar Animation Studios in a research-and-development effort for the upcoming movie Shrek 36 now in production. Jon Voight could not be reached for comment, but reportedly indicated that his computer-generated daughter had “serious rendering problems.” Animation voiceovers of the girls are actually done by the late Marlon Brando, a remarkable feat considering his flawless work continues a month after his own cremation. It is a little-known fact that Brando’s own high-pitched, girlie voice (resulting from a childhood accident with a tuning fork, a car battery, and a large scoop of double-chocolate ice cream) was redubbed during his starring roles in The Godfather and A Streetcar Named Desire by the then-young James Earl Jones. - RDL
If I’m the source of any strife, I certainly apologize. Absolutely wasn’t the intent. Was jesting and had actually meant to point out (with tounge firmly in cheek) that I would not, of course, be able to arrange for the rider to be naked.
Not you, Sean. My husband!
A frantic man calls 911 and says, “Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!” 911 Operator: “Is this her first child?” Man: “Of course not, you idiot! This is her husband!” - RDL
Is anyone else more confused from the comments than the blog itself??