The New Office 365

Congratulations, you’ve been Bingled!

Welcome to the new Office 365! All of us at Microsoft are pleased to inform you that we have updated your webmail client user interface overnight while you slept. We know you didn’t have time to ask for these changes yourself because you’ve been so very busy diligently learning how to use our previous interface, so we’ve gone right ahead and given you exactly what you need now. No, no need to thank us, really!

Enjoy the new Office 365 — aptly named, because we have changed 365 features of the user interface in order to strengthen your mental focus and attention with mystery navigation challenges, and to enhance your physical fitness through repeated forearm and hand motions due to increased mouse clicking and longer roaming trails. Where it took only a single mouse click to accomplish some everyday tasks in the past, we guarantee a minimum of four clicks today to perform the same function — but only after you figure out where we moved the feature! We’ve even pre-entered you in the Biggest Loser Pound for Pound Challenge, tracking and tallying each calorie burned with every move and click! See how much we care for you?

Aren’t you just tickled pink with delight? Of course you are, and we already knew that, too; our vast team of user experience experts are waaay smarter than you are, so we know how much you absolutely love the fabulous new look and hidden features. Plus, the new Outlook 365 contains a pioneering, state-of-the-art HTML5 virtual webcam (the Social Heuristic¬†Automatic Feedback Tool) — so we can see your happy face while you read this notice. Say “Cheese!”

You can opt out of getting the SHAFT at any time by deactivating the tool in the Settings Tab above. Access to the Settings Tab requires a Premium Access subscription. If you have a Professional or Enterprise subscription, double-click the kruller and then drag your mouse vertically down the empty space next to… No, no, no! Double-click, then drag! Argh, you’re doing it all wrong! The other one. Right over there… That one; the kruller. No, not that one — that’s a strawberry parfait. There. Next to the screw. In the corner! What are you, stupid?! Not the gear! Listen to us… Oh, never mind. Yes, sure, click that one, the one we told you not to click before. Ha! See, we told you not to click that one! You just deleted all your email. How’s that workin’ for you? Ready to listen to us now?

No, put your hand down. You don’t need to use finger gestures to interact with the Feedback Tool; it uses facial recognition and masking tonal derivatives. Although… interesting idea… finger recognition might just be the next big thing… Hmmm. What action is that finger movement supposed to represent? —— Oh, are you OK? Your face has gone from tickled pink to beet red…

Hold on; we’re installing a Virtual Medic to assist you… To activate it, hold down the key with the old 2003 Windows logo, click the 2010 Windows logo that resembles a box without windows, and drag it onto the 2013-version logo that looks like a 2006 Apple iPod Shuffle. No! The apple, not the strawberry parfait again!

Oh, never mind…

Legalese: For online safety and privacy, owners of any non-Microsoft products or services will be required to deactivate the Feedback Tool every 15 minutes. Reactivation occurs automatically every ten minutes for owners of iPhones (which we can see right there on the desk next to you). Failure to deactivate the Feedback Tool feature within the alloted time will result in automatic reactivation. Excess or repeated deactivation may result in the deletion of random emails. Use of Microsoft Outlook for sending or receiving email is not supported in a networked environment.

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