A Teenager’s Rights…
My teen daughter has been complaining lately that I’m mad at her all the time for just about anything, and that it’s getting both annoying and boring to her. She claims to listen to me, but cites that she has absolutely no idea why I am mad at her.
The sad thing is that she knows exactly why I am mad at her, and she makes the conscious choice to go down that wrong path. She knows that there are three basic things things that can set me off on a daily basis as a parent: (1) being disrespectful or having a terrible, nasty attitude; (2) making me wait for her when I pick her up after school; and (3) not doing her chores. Of course, this list is not all-inclusive and allows for other heinous real-life offenses such as flunking her core classes, sneaking out in the middle of the night to attend drug and alcohol parties with 18-year-old boys, and drinking vodka at a supposedly all-girls’ sleepover — with boys there!!
The first annoyance is almost inevitable. All teenagers have nasty, petty, horrible little attitudes at some point, so there’s really nothing that can be done about that. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to lie down and put up with the nasty, petty, horrible little attitude, but that problem should eventually go away — at least by the time she’s 30 years old.
The second issue, not showing up on time to be picked up from school, is very much avoidable on her part. There have been numerous occasions when I have been forced to wait up to 45 minutes for her to show up — with no real explanation or apology. Generally, all she has to do is to go to her locker, pack up whatever books she needs, and come to the side of the school to meet me; that takes about eight minutes, ten minutes at most. Her showing up late has become such a regular occurrence that I now arrive 10 to 15 minutes after the final bell in an attempt to avoid the volatile situation completely and the resulting inevitable confrontation. Yet, on occasion, she still makes me wait at least a half hour; just this last Monday she showed up 37 minutes after her last class — again, with no reasonable explanation or apology; she could only account for 15 minutes of the 37. On those now-frequent days she is properly waiting outside when I pull up, she interprets “Thank you for being on time today!” not as a token of gratitude, but instead as a reminder of previous offenses. If it’s not a day she gets yelled at for making me wait a half hour for her, it’s a day she brings home an issue with her from school. Either way, attitude usually ensues.
Number three is one of the biggest issues in our household — she will not do her chores. She’s luckier than most kids, because she only has six things to do every day: (1) clean the cat litter box, vacuuming or cleaning the surrounding carpet when necessary; (2) fill up the cats’ water container, cleaning it when necessary; (3) fill up the cats’ food container, cleaning it and the surrounding countertop when necessary; (4) change the frogs’ water; (5) take out the recycling that is accumulated indoors; (6) empty out any indoor trashcan that have anything in them. That’s it. It takes ten minutes. Twenty minutes if the cats are truly slobs that day. There are other weekly or as-needed chores, but this is the small list of tasks that must be performed every day.
She completely refuses to do her chores, citing that homework is more important than doing chores. When called to task on it, she states that “no one acknowledges that… teenagers have rights of a free mind and the freedom to say what they want, whether people think so or not.” She goes further, stating that she “is a human being and that she has the biggest say in her life — because it’s her life.”
Wrong. And irrelevant.
First of all, homework is not necessarily more important than chores. Both of those tasks are lumped together under the heading of Responsibilities. If a straight-A student graduates first in her class and she repeatedly ignores and refuses to follow the instructions of her new boss, not one of those A grades will prevent her from being fired. Responsibilities you are given as a child develop discipline. Without discipline, you are guaranteed to fail in the future.
Here are a teenager’s rights:
- you have the right to live with people who love and care about you
- you have the right to an education
- you have the right to be safe at home and at school
- you have the right to have food to eat, a place to live, and health care
- you have the right to have a say about things that affect you
- you have the right to be treated fairly and with respect
- you have the right to be protected from harm
Addressing the first right, my teenager already knows that we love and care about her. She also knows that if we didn’t we wouldn’t care what the heck she did, or didn’t do.
She has the right to an education, which we and the State of California provide to her. I have never told her not to complete her homework, but I think it fair to request that she curtail talking on the phone, watching TV, playing with the cats, and generally goofing off in favor of completing her chores and her homework — her responsibilities. She also has the privilege of having her own work desk in her room, along with her own computer, phone, and restricted high-speed Internet access.
She has the right to feel safe at home and school, and to be protected from harm. We live in a neighborhood where our houses do not need bars over our windows and doors, and she has yet to come home from school suffering the losing end of some schoolyard brawl. ‘Nuff said there.
She has the right to food to eat, a place to live, and health care. With the number of PopTarts that kid eats, she can’t have any complaints about available food! While I wish I could afford the best possible health care for my entire family, our budget-minded plan suffices for everyone. And, last time I checked, the roof over her head doesn’t leak.
She has the right to have a say about things that affect her. That doesn’t mean she has the final word, only that she is allowed to have input. On children’s right, the Supreme Court says: “We have recognized three reasons justifying the conclusion that the constitutional rights of children cannot be equated with those of adults: the peculiar vulnerability of children; their inability to make critical decisions in an informed, mature manner; and the importance of the parental role in child rearing.” We as parents must continue to exercise our more experienced judgment in most manners, especially as she has not demonstrated adequate decision-making skills in many, many areas.
Even the right to privacy as established by law protects children from privacy invasions only by outsiders, and does not establish legal rights to privacy from a child’s parents. Luckily for her, we generally respect her perception of her right to privacy, although her email and incoming calls are sporadically screened.
She has a right to be treated fairly and with respect. It wouldn’t surprise me if our views on our treatment of her and her treatment of us differ greatly. She doesn’t like getting yelled at for not completing her chores and thinks it is unfair — and yet this week she has not completed her chores since Tuesday (today is Friday). One recycling bin has been unemptied for almost two weeks, a bin that should be emptied every day. If she wants to be treated fairly and with respect, then she has to treat the rest of the family the same way. If someone knowingly and willingly shirks their responsibilities, then they should expect to get into trouble. Punishment is therefore fair. When she exudes her usual teen attitude, the fair and respectful consequence is for us to nip that attitude in the bud. If you are fair and respectful, you will be treated fairly and with respect. Remember that.
She continues to insist that she is a young adult, common among adolescents. But she is physically, emotionally, and legally still a child — despite her own thought and ideals. If she was responsible, trustworthy, and capable of making appropriate decisions, then perhaps she could be considered by us to truly be a young adult in all respects except legally, but she has yet to demonstrate that level of maturity. She is making — forgive the expression — baby steps: a greater interest in school, a decreased interest in boys, an increased awareness in the importance of hygiene.
Simply put, our household would have greater peace if she just stepped up to the plate and assumed all of her responsibilities, not just the ones of her own choosing.
In the past, it has always been her choice either to perform or not to perform her required responsibilities (whether they be schoolwork or chores), and she has always known that. She has also always known that consequences for failing to perform those duties have always existed.
It will continue to be her choice for the rest of her life.
More information on children’s rights:
- Children’s Rights Council
- Child Rights Information Network
- Children’s Rights
- Human Rights Watch
- UNICEF
- Amnesty International
- International Bureau for Children’s Rights
My school is being very unfair to students and not listening to what we have to say. My school is very small so little stupid mistakes impact everyone. Some kids ran to lunch or something because are schoo was saying we needed asigned seats, so everyone wanted to pick their own and get good spots, well it was the other class. And now just our grade has assigned seats for lunch. I know this may not seem as big as u think it is but lunch is the only time people have to associate with the other class and now if we have assigned seats than we cant. I am righting a opion paper for my writing class and I wanted to put a quote on what u have to say about this. Please I really need this!
My reply to your seating for lunch:
Just replace the word teenager with adult. Does it sound ridiculous if adults had to sit in their assigned places for lunch? If yes, it is also ridiculous that teenagers are required to sit in assigned places because another person decided that was a good thing. It is a pity we have the same rights as a baby. Parents have complete control. School officials and other adults have control. In this transition we ought to have more rights. Such as the right to own property.
“She continues to insist that she is a young adult, common among adolescents. But she is physically, emotionally, and legally still a child — despite her own thought and ideals. If she was responsible, trustworthy, and capable of making appropriate decisions, then perhaps she could be considered by us to truly be a young adult in all respects except legally, but she has yet to demonstrate that level of maturity. She is making — forgive the expression — baby steps: a greater interest in school, a decreased interest in boys, an increased awareness in the importance of hygiene.”
Oh my! She is a young adult. She is not physically a child neither is she mentally and that is the problem. How do you know that she is capable of making what you deem appropriate decisions without allowing her to do so? Teenagers are babied and are treated like mental retards. How do you expect them to act? Frustrated yes.
Also you will probably think what I am saying has no real importance because I happen to be below the age of 18. It is probable that she is being late on purpose. I am glad you try to pick her up on time I have to wait for an hour sometimes for my parent.
I ask you to give her a little space and not to even mention her homework. Try it as an experiment per say. You might be surprised. Also don’t do it for just a day. Do this experiment for a month. Only mention the chores once a day in a polite way. No demands. A simple reminder such as did you do your chores? The tone of voice is critical. I can read disappointment, sarcasm, frustration, annoyance, and many more feelings in my mothers voice. If she is frustrated with me I feel frustrated. If she is disappointed in me I am feel disappointed in myself even if I did something wonderful.
It is scary letting go of the leash but you can do it. For your daughter’s sanity. I often lose mine. Step back relax and let her trip. It is nice to do things your own way as I am sure you can attest to since you are enjoying the freedoms of adulthood. Treat her like another adult for awhile. See what happens and it will take awhile because she has been used to consistent badgering. Of course warn her and let tell her the facts about drugs, sex and other awkward subjects of this world if you haven’t yet. Then armed with this knowledge she is likely to avoid such things.
You can sound angry just by raising and lowering your voice. The tone the expression the movements. She has been watching you for years. I bet she knows your body expressions by heart and hopefully you know hers. You may not be angry with her but your body language and tone of voice may have been crying out anger and that is what she probably read. You are obviously upset with her for not living up to your expectations. She can see that as easily as she can see the sun. Body language speaks volumes words make sentences.
“She completely refuses to do her chores, citing that homework is more important than doing chores. When called to task on it, she states that “no one acknowledges that… teenagers have rights of a free mind and the freedom to say what they want, whether people think so or not.” She goes further, stating that she “is a human being and that she has the biggest say in her life — because it’s her life.”
Wrong. And irrelevant.”
She does have the biggest say and it is very relevant. I agree wholeheartedly with her. Just picture this to put it in perspective you have a mind like your own right now and your mother does the exactly same things to you as you do to her. How does that feel? Would you be annoyed? Would you feel like she is treating you inappropriately, badly? How would you feel if someone who knew you since birth did not believe you were capable of making good decisions? Ask yourself how you would feel if someone were doing the same things to you. Don’t brush it aside because she is a teenager and you have the power of the whip and the reins thanks to your status of parent.
Don’t think of her as a child. Try it. Think of her as an inexperienced adult who needs to be allowed to make her own choices. At this time you are there to give advice and rules for your household. Nagging her (which I suspect since she is not willing to do the chores) will only make her annoyed and want to do it less if she is similar to me. If someone keeps on demanding you to do something do you want to do it? If your boss kindly asked you to get coffee several times and you were doing some various tasks first then she comes in and yells at you to get some coffee would you love to go and get her some coffee?
Also please do not think employee boss relationship that you are training her for. It makes life especially annoying when your parent cites that they are training/teaching you to be an employee. What if you want to be the boss? Own a business? Or you already know that a lot is required as an employee and do not need to be bothered about it.
You cannot know your daughter completely. Her mind is not completely open. Neither is mine. As a teenager I have to act. I have to pretend to be something I am not to keep the adults happy. As a teenager people automatically assume I do not have reasoning, intelligence, common sense, a knowledge of what is right wrong. They assume I can easily fall into peer pressure, start taking drugs, smoking, believe everything the media says.
It is not true. I am not even tempted to smoke. Want to know why? I know that it kills me slowly and there are many unpleasant side effects later in life. I do not want to mate early. I know the likely hood of getting pregnant. I know the dangers of sexual diseases. I do not want to drink. I know it will cloud my brain and that I would act like a total idiot. I know that it is illegal.
You see when you explain the bad side effects respectfully it is pretty easy to see why not to do such things. What she needs is respect. You need it too but you are the parent. You are suppose to be tough.
Respect
Value her opinions (Don’t tell her she is wrong. You are saying that as usual you the parent have more valuable opinions than hers.
Value her power to make decisions (Don’t cut her legs off from the start of the race because you believe that she is not capable of winning)
Value her view of the world (All of us have a different view of the world. No two views are identical. Isn’t that grand? It would be interesting to see what she thinks about things. If you don’t contradict her she might tell you more often)
Somethings are just her choices. (Chores are mandatory since she is living in your house. Education is her decision. She wants to work hard okay. She doesn’t okay. It is not the end of the world. Who she makes friends with and hanging out with guys. I can’t stand being around girls and I have no romantic interest whatsoever. It would be depressing not to be allowed to be around boys just because of this myth that girls and boys want only one thing from each other.)
Her mind is almost completely formed and she is ready for more challenges. Let her take them head on. Don’t pull her back. Let her make these important decisions. You can advise her but don’t act as though you are right and she is wrong. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder well so is this idea of right and wrong, good and bad, stupid and smart. You are the beholder, and so is she. What she thinks is good, smart, right will win out in the end anyway.
“She knows that there are three basic things things that can set me off on a daily basis as a parent: (1) being disrespectful or having a terrible, nasty attitude; (2) making me wait for her when I pick her up after school; and (3) not doing her chores. Of course, this list is not all-inclusive and allows for other heinous real-life offenses such as flunking her core classes, sneaking out in the middle of the night to attend drug and alcohol parties”
1 Are you respecting her? Respect is not required it is earned it only can be earned. You can get what looks like it through fear or manipulation but in the end respect is what matters. If you don’t give it you don’t receive it. You are the adult you expect so much and yet think she is capable of so little. These terrible nasty attitudes can be set off. Does she start having these attitudes when you start nagging her, yelling at her, talking to her as though you are better than her and know best? By doing these things you demean her. Maybe she just had a bad day. Remain calm and respectful and she just might catch on. I believe we as humans need to be able to express the full range of emotions including anger. Encourage anger to be expressed in ways that lead to a solution to a problem.
2. Making you wait is not nice. Have a calm talk with her asking her to come out on time because you do not enjoy waiting. Say this in a polite way without being domineering or demanding.
3. It is not heinous to flunk core classes. There might be a reason for this. Drug and alcohol parties those are more on the serious end of the scale. I ask you this. Do you know why she would want to attend such parties? Have you ever asked her why she did such things?
You have double standards. You believe you can yell at her without her yelling back. You can disrespect her but it is a crime for her to disrespect you. See the backwards thinking this is? You are expecting her to be an adult emotionally while you can act like a child.
Well actually me being a teenager is so fun!!! Cauze my friends is helping me with my chores, not only my chores but also my assignments my study too.Cauze we study in one school only but we ignore bOyzZz. Cauze they just only annoy us, so there’s no one to like at but ofcourse we have inspirations but only actors. That’swhy I really, really like being a teenager. We go to slumber party too in our own bedrooms but sometimes at my bedroom only cuaze my bedroom is the biggest….
@Garfield: Thank you for the lengthy response, and I appreciate both your perspective and your ideas. I will try to address a number of the issues you raised.
I am somewhat amused by people espousing parental advice when they themselves are not and have never been parents. I’ve seen pictures of the moon, I’ve mooned people (while in college), I’ve watched Michael Jackson and Buzz Aldrin moonwalk, I’ve enjoyed listening to Moon River, and I am a fan of The Who’s Keith Moon — but none of those things make me a rocket scientist, nor give me special insight into what the moon is really about.
Oh, that’s easy, Richard. The moon is really about 3500 km across, really about 384,000 km away, really about 7.35 x 10^22 kilograms.
What? I was missing your point? Well why should I be different than any other poster?