A Teenager’s Rights…
My teen daughter has been complaining lately that I’m mad at her all the time for just about anything, and that it’s getting both annoying and boring to her. She claims to listen to me, but cites that she has absolutely no idea why I am mad at her.
The sad thing is that she knows exactly why I am mad at her, and she makes the conscious choice to go down that wrong path. She knows that there are three basic things things that can set me off on a daily basis as a parent: (1) being disrespectful or having a terrible, nasty attitude; (2) making me wait for her when I pick her up after school; and (3) not doing her chores. Of course, this list is not all-inclusive and allows for other heinous real-life offenses such as flunking her core classes, sneaking out in the middle of the night to attend drug and alcohol parties with 18-year-old boys, and drinking vodka at a supposedly all-girls’ sleepover — with boys there!!
The first annoyance is almost inevitable. All teenagers have nasty, petty, horrible little attitudes at some point, so there’s really nothing that can be done about that. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to lie down and put up with the nasty, petty, horrible little attitude, but that problem should eventually go away — at least by the time she’s 30 years old.
The second issue, not showing up on time to be picked up from school, is very much avoidable on her part. There have been numerous occasions when I have been forced to wait up to 45 minutes for her to show up — with no real explanation or apology. Generally, all she has to do is to go to her locker, pack up whatever books she needs, and come to the side of the school to meet me; that takes about eight minutes, ten minutes at most. Her showing up late has become such a regular occurrence that I now arrive 10 to 15 minutes after the final bell in an attempt to avoid the volatile situation completely and the resulting inevitable confrontation. Yet, on occasion, she still makes me wait at least a half hour; just this last Monday she showed up 37 minutes after her last class — again, with no reasonable explanation or apology; she could only account for 15 minutes of the 37. On those now-frequent days she is properly waiting outside when I pull up, she interprets “Thank you for being on time today!” not as a token of gratitude, but instead as a reminder of previous offenses. If it’s not a day she gets yelled at for making me wait a half hour for her, it’s a day she brings home an issue with her from school. Either way, attitude usually ensues.
Number three is one of the biggest issues in our household — she will not do her chores. She’s luckier than most kids, because she only has six things to do every day: (1) clean the cat litter box, vacuuming or cleaning the surrounding carpet when necessary; (2) fill up the cats’ water container, cleaning it when necessary; (3) fill up the cats’ food container, cleaning it and the surrounding countertop when necessary; (4) change the frogs’ water; (5) take out the recycling that is accumulated indoors; (6) empty out any indoor trashcan that have anything in them. That’s it. It takes ten minutes. Twenty minutes if the cats are truly slobs that day. There are other weekly or as-needed chores, but this is the small list of tasks that must be performed every day.
She completely refuses to do her chores, citing that homework is more important than doing chores. When called to task on it, she states that “no one acknowledges that… teenagers have rights of a free mind and the freedom to say what they want, whether people think so or not.” She goes further, stating that she “is a human being and that she has the biggest say in her life — because it’s her life.”
Wrong. And irrelevant.
First of all, homework is not necessarily more important than chores. Both of those tasks are lumped together under the heading of Responsibilities. If a straight-A student graduates first in her class and she repeatedly ignores and refuses to follow the instructions of her new boss, not one of those A grades will prevent her from being fired. Responsibilities you are given as a child develop discipline. Without discipline, you are guaranteed to fail in the future.
Here are a teenager’s rights:
- you have the right to live with people who love and care about you
- you have the right to an education
- you have the right to be safe at home and at school
- you have the right to have food to eat, a place to live, and health care
- you have the right to have a say about things that affect you
- you have the right to be treated fairly and with respect
- you have the right to be protected from harm
Addressing the first right, my teenager already knows that we love and care about her. She also knows that if we didn’t we wouldn’t care what the heck she did, or didn’t do.
She has the right to an education, which we and the State of California provide to her. I have never told her not to complete her homework, but I think it fair to request that she curtail talking on the phone, watching TV, playing with the cats, and generally goofing off in favor of completing her chores and her homework — her responsibilities. She also has the privilege of having her own work desk in her room, along with her own computer, phone, and restricted high-speed Internet access.
She has the right to feel safe at home and school, and to be protected from harm. We live in a neighborhood where our houses do not need bars over our windows and doors, and she has yet to come home from school suffering the losing end of some schoolyard brawl. ‘Nuff said there.
She has the right to food to eat, a place to live, and health care. With the number of PopTarts that kid eats, she can’t have any complaints about available food! While I wish I could afford the best possible health care for my entire family, our budget-minded plan suffices for everyone. And, last time I checked, the roof over her head doesn’t leak.
She has the right to have a say about things that affect her. That doesn’t mean she has the final word, only that she is allowed to have input. On children’s right, the Supreme Court says: “We have recognized three reasons justifying the conclusion that the constitutional rights of children cannot be equated with those of adults: the peculiar vulnerability of children; their inability to make critical decisions in an informed, mature manner; and the importance of the parental role in child rearing.” We as parents must continue to exercise our more experienced judgment in most manners, especially as she has not demonstrated adequate decision-making skills in many, many areas.
Even the right to privacy as established by law protects children from privacy invasions only by outsiders, and does not establish legal rights to privacy from a child’s parents. Luckily for her, we generally respect her perception of her right to privacy, although her email and incoming calls are sporadically screened.
She has a right to be treated fairly and with respect. It wouldn’t surprise me if our views on our treatment of her and her treatment of us differ greatly. She doesn’t like getting yelled at for not completing her chores and thinks it is unfair — and yet this week she has not completed her chores since Tuesday (today is Friday). One recycling bin has been unemptied for almost two weeks, a bin that should be emptied every day. If she wants to be treated fairly and with respect, then she has to treat the rest of the family the same way. If someone knowingly and willingly shirks their responsibilities, then they should expect to get into trouble. Punishment is therefore fair. When she exudes her usual teen attitude, the fair and respectful consequence is for us to nip that attitude in the bud. If you are fair and respectful, you will be treated fairly and with respect. Remember that.
She continues to insist that she is a young adult, common among adolescents. But she is physically, emotionally, and legally still a child — despite her own thought and ideals. If she was responsible, trustworthy, and capable of making appropriate decisions, then perhaps she could be considered by us to truly be a young adult in all respects except legally, but she has yet to demonstrate that level of maturity. She is making — forgive the expression — baby steps: a greater interest in school, a decreased interest in boys, an increased awareness in the importance of hygiene.
Simply put, our household would have greater peace if she just stepped up to the plate and assumed all of her responsibilities, not just the ones of her own choosing.
In the past, it has always been her choice either to perform or not to perform her required responsibilities (whether they be schoolwork or chores), and she has always known that. She has also always known that consequences for failing to perform those duties have always existed.
It will continue to be her choice for the rest of her life.
More information on children’s rights:
- Children’s Rights Council
- Child Rights Information Network
- Children’s Rights
- Human Rights Watch
- UNICEF
- Amnesty International
- International Bureau for Children’s Rights
I have to agree with you here. I have a daughter that is turning 14 in Nov. She is a cheerleader, goes to a performing arts school, yada yada yada. Now, is great because she is outgoing. BUT..she is not so outgoing with her family at home. Thinking back though, I think most teenagers are like this at some point. The thing is, it is almost a “cool” thing to do to act as if your home life is hard, you are not understood, etc. In this way, somehow the teenager’s identify with each other and it is “their team” type of attitude. Regardless of the fact they are irritating as all hëll sometimes, there intentions are probably innocent. BUT…watch out for those boys!! That is my peeve at the moment with my daughter. She thinks she is so grown up in High School, etc. Uggh! Hey this is your blog, not mine right!?? Keith
i am a 14 yr old, i try so hard to be good at home, i do all my chores (and more!) without complaining just so that i dont get on the wrong side of my mum! i do well on all my exams, i have even done my GCSE in maths this year (that’s 2 years early) and i got a level 7 in my SAT’s for maths (my friends told me), i don’t know my marks yet because i’m not in school any more…wondering why?? well on the 10th of july we are moving to New Zealand and i am not happy!! but after the inicial shock and all the shouting that i wasnt going and they couldnt make me!! i decided to just make the best of the time i had left here with my friends and now that we had finished all our exams for the year school was becoming less stressful because our teachers were cutting us some slack as we had finished all our exams… then the end of year report came through, i found it in the post and my mum had been drilling into me that i should be a perfect student and i was supposed to have cut down on chatting in class because at the last parents evening all my teachers said i was really chatty (and i did cut down) so i got my report and 7 out of 14 teachers said that i was distracted or chatty or i needed to make more effort in class and with my homework but the other 6 said i was the perfect student, i was polite, punctual and well mannered. of course i knew how this looked…it looked like i hadnt been improving since we last spoke and my mum had told me if i didnt there would be consequences, so (and i regret doing this now) i hid it! and i figured i would leave it there till me and my mum had stopped arguing all the time and maybe she would be more understanding then that this report was from the whole year and i had made a great improvement recently!!(and i really had! no lie!) and it actually wasnt that bad a report! well that was my biggest mistake, a few weeks later she was going through my room and found it! i thought she would be angry that i hid it but after telling me not to do that again she went into the comments from teachers…and my consequence for ‘not improving’ when i had! and she told me i was going to be home schooled till we left!! which meant i had 3 weekends (6 days) to spend with my friends. i wasnt really bothered about the school i would be quite happy to be home schooled, its just the situation! now i dont think this is very fair! and as if moving wasnt enough of a shock! now i was being home schooled! i proceeded to explain to her that the report was from the whole year (she didnt believe me) i told her to contact my teachers…and she did (well shes only spoken to 1 so far who did say i had made an improvement) but she still didnt take that as enough. for ages me and my friends had planned a big goodbye party for me-around 25 of us going to thorpe park for the day! and then coming back to my house, watching a film and then the boys going home and the girls sleeping over and my parents were fine with that, so once i got over the home schooling i decided that i should look forward to thorpe park and i was being really good at home because my friend had booked all the tickets and i still hadn’t been told a definite yes but i was told if i impressed my mum i could go…..so i was impressing! big time! this morning i heard my mum making plans for this saturday (which is when my goodbye party is supposed to be) and i reminded her about it, she turned to me and said that she had told me before that i wasnt allowed to go and i said that she didnt say that! she said i had to impress her, she denied that and said i wasnt allowed (she doesnt know that the tickets are booked) and she also said she is still considering my sleepover! now my step dad thinks she is going over the top with all this and thinks i should be allowed to have my whole goodbye party because he undertsnads that i ahver learnt my lesson and that i may never see some of thses people again but at the end of the day, its my mum who wears the pants in this family and i doubt he can change her mind but i am just wondering if its just me or is this really unfair?! (while i have been writing this my maths teacher rang and im not supposed to pick up the phone when my mum isn’t home so i didnt and she left a message saying that she was very proud of me and i achieved a level 7 on my SAT’s and that was very well done! but my mum wont take any notice of that, she never does she’s always looking at my bad points!) can you please write a message back richard because i’m going insane! and you sound like a decent person who might be able to give me some advice. thank you very much. troubled teen x
Well, as a parent twice over, it’s a tough decision, especially when only hearing one side of the facts. You were completely wrong to have hidden your grades as you admitted. But the punishment of being denied a final send-off before you leave the country does not seem to fit the crime of chatting in class and then covering it up. Home schooling for the last few weeks seems overly disruptive as well. Having one final bash at Thorpe Park seems that it would be one of those memories you’d always carry. (I wish I could go! Rush looks absolutely terrifying!) But it’s not my decision, is it? Do your best to deal with the situation in an adult manner and try to work out a solution that everyone can agree to. Rather than trying to make the point of not being punished at all, maybe an alternate sentence would satisfy? No matter what happens, have fun in NZ (make the most of it!) and congratulations on the level 7’s - RDL
humm..im 16 years old..and i have a question is out of the topic its about my rights…
do i have the right to pick who i want to live with?
like do i have the right to choose if i want to live with my mother or
with my dad? because im tired of my mother i cant stand her anymore
i just want to go live with my dad.. but my mother keeps telling me that
im under her custody and is not what i want is what she wants and
that i have to do whatever she wants me to.. nd im kind of old now nd
i think i have the right to choose who i could live with..
Hey My name is Mary, My mom has been going threw financial problems no money for anything. Lately I’ve been ” messing up” and she makes a big deal out of things that where responsible choices. Like I was in a car with a friend and a guy stood out the window with a worried look on his face, and expensive cell phone. So instead of just waiting out side I role the window down half an inch and asked what he wanted, he asked for gas money, I said no and he left. tjan I got out of the car after he was out of sight. Than the one person who means the whole world to me, I want her to meet, and she refuses to because I’m only 14. I just can’t stand living in this house. I want to see how it is to live with someone else for once. even if its for a month. I don’t care. So what is going on?
As an eighteen year old getting ready to move out my of mother’s house (yay college?), I’ve experienced a few squabbles in my time. I’ve never actually tried (because I’ve always rethought it), but it should be possible to ask the courts if you can live with your father, Alex. Just intimate this to your father and I’m sure he’d at least talk with you about it. It may not be the best thing to do, or it may be a good change. I know that for me, it would not have worked out. My dad goes into work a little later, so he comes home from work anywhere from six to seven at night. That’s if he doesn’t have anything going on after work. My dad absolutely loves to tango and is thinking of starting a local tango class in the area. My dad would have no time for me. I’d have to do things on my own. At the time I was tossing around the idea of living with my dad (maybe fifteen or sixteens years of age), I hadn’t a car, or a license. I would have been very limited in the things I could do. I wouldn’t be able to hang out with friends as much or as easily, I’d have to make myself dinner and lunch (no way my dad would give me lunch money), and I would generally have to be more responsible for myself. I thought about this and realized how good I really do have it with my mom. What you need to do, Alex, is really think about this and talk about it with your father. I never did ask my dad about it, but I realized that I didn’t need to.
Mary, I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but it seems as if your problems are quite.. simple. It may have just been a bad day if you mom didn’t want to meet your friend. I know that some days my mom is in a horrible mood and won’t put up with any of my friends. They’re generally well behaved, but we have been known to get a little out of hand sometimes. I really do think she despises one of my female friends, I’m not exactly sure why, but my mom can deal with her if she’s in a good mood. Yesterday, for example, I was going to hang out with my friend before work and my mom said, in a rather nasty tone after finding out that we didn’t exactly know what we were going to do yet, “Well, she’s not hanging out in my house!” I just attributed it to her mood that day and waited for my friend to arrive, told my mom we had decided on Taco Bell for lunch (true), and left. My mom had also said that if we didn’t know what to do, that I should hang out at her house rather than she at mine. So… we went to her house and watched a movie. Sometimes you just have to work within your parents’ bounds, whether you like them or not. Don’t necessarily think that she’s trying to limit you or make you feel bad. As you said, your mother is having financial problems. She’s probably not the happiest person right now, trying to make ends meet and all, so I’d expect she’d be a little short-tempered. Yes, that’s no real excuse, but it’s reality. Just give her time, try and be nice to her, help her out, etc. It will come back to you. She’ll see that you are more responsible and will maybe start to look at you a little differently. As for living with someone else, who would you live with? Are your parents divorced, does your father live nearby? At fourteen, there’s only two people you can really live with: your mother and your father. If neither of them look like viable options to you, you’re going to have a hard time convincing the courts to give custody to someone else.
-Tony
This is a paradox in many parents such as your self to tyrannically control every aspect of your child’s being without being challenged by your child. You want peace in policing your kid, so when she’s 30 minutes late so YOU can pick HER up you yell at her. My parents where lucky if I spent 37 minutes in school after the first bell; you’re making an issue of her staying in school an extra half an hour. It is understandable that you want her to be grateful, but as a teen she has the right to explore and make mistakes that she will learn from. I’m not necessarily stating she should explore sexuality and drugs (she may because you never made the effort to speak critically on the topic). She may be rebelling as a cry for help. Sit down and talk to your daughter and don’t blog about her. The general public doesn’t need access to your personal beliefs of your kid. You need to discuss your concerns instead of spewing this trash.
Sounds like someone should have spent a bit more time in school, Manny! Far too many people who visit my blog leave insightful and intelligent comments; thanks for providing diversity!
I’m a very close friend of Richard’s. I’ve been to his house many times. I know his family. I’ve spent time with each of them and I’ve seen them interact with each other. I’ve had conversations with Richard and his wife about our respective kids and how we deal with them.
And yet, with all that familiarity, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to say I know what meaningful conversations Richard has or has not had with his daughter.
So how is it, Manny, that you just know that Richard hasn’t sat down and spoken with his daughter about his concerns?
Alex, go live with your dad, of course you have the right